Carolyn spelled Caroline

Today at yoga I had this kind of moment of clarity while I walaid out in corpse pose (creepy) at the end. I know I’ve heard variations of it before from a variety of people, but all of a sudden it finally clicked for me.

I’m usually pretty good at just clearing all the random stuff out of my mind and just enjoying the only quiet moments in my day, but today I was just awful. I was thinking of things that had happened and things I wanted to say to people and whether I was going to get a pedicure or not. It was kind of stressful, and on top of that I felt guilty for thinking of all this random stuff, because I’m an expert at feeling guilty.

So I pulled it together and said, “It doesn’t matter, let all of that go, and just be here.” And I felt a sort of whoooosh.

The only time that it’s possible to feel joy and eternity is in the present moment. You can’t feel joy when you’re focused on the past, and you can’t feel it when you’re planning for or worrying about the future. Joy comes when you’re not thinking of anything but NOW. When I’m in that present moment and not giving a thought to before or later on, those are the moments where I kind of feel the boundaries of my body dissolve, and I just become part of this whole-universe sized whooooosh that is pure love and joy.

Then once I feel it I get really excited and try to hold on to it, which gets me stuck in the past moment instead of the present one, but that’s ok. I feel like this is a really good discovery for me. I like to understand how things work and why I feel the way I feel and what makes things happen. And the fact that joy only happens when my mind is the present is a great motivation to spend more time there and to stop worrying about things that are over or haven’t happened yet.

It’s exciting

Thoughts:

Usually, when I’m really happy, I tend to want to sing really really loud. Ususally my happiness way overpowers my voice and the singing just can’t keep up. Knock on wood, but I have actually felt wildly better for the past three days, and today…my voice is keeping up with my joy. Both are HUGE and glorious.

Something that people always say about me is that I am always smiling. Today someone asked me why I always smiled, and I didn’t really know what to say. I’m not sure why I do it. Is it a front that I put on to make other people feel good regardless of how I feel? Or am I just a really happy person? I’m not sure, but I think I’m going to think about it more and figure out exactly why I smile so much.

Last week did some exploring on Rutledge Ave in downtown Charleston. I walked all the way from Calhoun Street to the end of the peninsula. It was a hike, but there were so many gorgeous houses and gardens along the way:

And then today, I want over to Folly Beach, which is kind of a long drive for me, but I really wanted to try to get some good pictures of the pier, which is really really long. I was a little nervous when I got there because it was overcast and the sun was only peeping out for a few minutes at a time, but the clouds ended up serving me well:

I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to live without a beach again. The water is just too beautiful. The beach has such a great personality, and I always come away feeling like a serene and small but beautiful part of the universe.

Since Twitter is over capacity thanks to Google Wave, I’m feeling left out. I admit I have no idea what Google Wave is, and I can’t really figure it out, and now my stream of inspirational tweets is cut off from me. As my ex-cube-mate would say, BONK!

So, I’m going to take this moment to admit that yesterday, after a really long time trying to toilet train my cats, I gave up. I wanted my toilet back.

They balked at the idea of peeing into a bowl of water, which replaced the bowl of litter I’ve had sitting inside my toilet for the past several weeks. Divas.

And I decided that I actually never want to have to share my toilet with two cats. I’ll get organic litter to lessen my guilt, but I just can’t toilet train my cats. They won the battle, I admit it.

In other news, I am experiencing this fun feeling, where I feel like happiness and peace have been sitting outside my door and knocking and I’ve been afraid to open it. And I finally had the courage to open it, and I found them waiting there. It feels really really really good.