Carolyn spelled Caroline

Today at yoga I had this kind of moment of clarity while I walaid out in corpse pose (creepy) at the end. I know I’ve heard variations of it before from a variety of people, but all of a sudden it finally clicked for me.

I’m usually pretty good at just clearing all the random stuff out of my mind and just enjoying the only quiet moments in my day, but today I was just awful. I was thinking of things that had happened and things I wanted to say to people and whether I was going to get a pedicure or not. It was kind of stressful, and on top of that I felt guilty for thinking of all this random stuff, because I’m an expert at feeling guilty.

So I pulled it together and said, “It doesn’t matter, let all of that go, and just be here.” And I felt a sort of whoooosh.

The only time that it’s possible to feel joy and eternity is in the present moment. You can’t feel joy when you’re focused on the past, and you can’t feel it when you’re planning for or worrying about the future. Joy comes when you’re not thinking of anything but NOW. When I’m in that present moment and not giving a thought to before or later on, those are the moments where I kind of feel the boundaries of my body dissolve, and I just become part of this whole-universe sized whooooosh that is pure love and joy.

Then once I feel it I get really excited and try to hold on to it, which gets me stuck in the past moment instead of the present one, but that’s ok. I feel like this is a really good discovery for me. I like to understand how things work and why I feel the way I feel and what makes things happen. And the fact that joy only happens when my mind is the present is a great motivation to spend more time there and to stop worrying about things that are over or haven’t happened yet.

It’s exciting

Thoughts:

Usually, when I’m really happy, I tend to want to sing really really loud. Ususally my happiness way overpowers my voice and the singing just can’t keep up. Knock on wood, but I have actually felt wildly better for the past three days, and today…my voice is keeping up with my joy. Both are HUGE and glorious.

Something that people always say about me is that I am always smiling. Today someone asked me why I always smiled, and I didn’t really know what to say. I’m not sure why I do it. Is it a front that I put on to make other people feel good regardless of how I feel? Or am I just a really happy person? I’m not sure, but I think I’m going to think about it more and figure out exactly why I smile so much.

Last week did some exploring on Rutledge Ave in downtown Charleston. I walked all the way from Calhoun Street to the end of the peninsula. It was a hike, but there were so many gorgeous houses and gardens along the way:

And then today, I want over to Folly Beach, which is kind of a long drive for me, but I really wanted to try to get some good pictures of the pier, which is really really long. I was a little nervous when I got there because it was overcast and the sun was only peeping out for a few minutes at a time, but the clouds ended up serving me well:

I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to live without a beach again. The water is just too beautiful. The beach has such a great personality, and I always come away feeling like a serene and small but beautiful part of the universe.

Since Twitter is over capacity thanks to Google Wave, I’m feeling left out. I admit I have no idea what Google Wave is, and I can’t really figure it out, and now my stream of inspirational tweets is cut off from me. As my ex-cube-mate would say, BONK!

So, I’m going to take this moment to admit that yesterday, after a really long time trying to toilet train my cats, I gave up. I wanted my toilet back.

They balked at the idea of peeing into a bowl of water, which replaced the bowl of litter I’ve had sitting inside my toilet for the past several weeks. Divas.

And I decided that I actually never want to have to share my toilet with two cats. I’ll get organic litter to lessen my guilt, but I just can’t toilet train my cats. They won the battle, I admit it.

In other news, I am experiencing this fun feeling, where I feel like happiness and peace have been sitting outside my door and knocking and I’ve been afraid to open it. And I finally had the courage to open it, and I found them waiting there. It feels really really really good.

I think I said this in my last post, but at my yoga studio, there is this one instructor named Ashley that never fails to say something that really hits home for me. This morning it was “Om Namah Shivaya.” Which apparently has no direct translation, but she said it can be losely interpreted to mean “Greetings to that which I have the potential to become.”

What can I say to follow that? At a time when I’m not really sure who I am or where I’m going or what I want, I can look into the future and know that the self I will become is out there, and I can talk to it! What’s up, awesome me? So there is a light at the end of this tunnel? That’s a relief.

So that made me bounce out of yoga inspired to start fulfilling that potential right away.

In fact, I’m going to go get my creative juices flowing and take some pictures of an awesome street I drove down last night in downtown Charleston. I did take one fun picture last night and here it is:

I am still a full-on tourist in Charleston, and I am absolutely one of those people who walks around looking up at the tops of buildings and almost bumping into things and people as a result. But if I didn’t look up, I wouldn’t have seen that picture, so.

I go through a lot of sunglasses, but how often does this happen?

I mean seriously, when do both sides snap in one day? Another victim of the Georgia-South Carolina game, along with my health. But it was ALL worth it, because we WON!

A month ago, I wrote a post about feeling like I would have to work really hard to keep going to the gym for yoga every day. And today I realized that I’ve switched over to the point where I have to force myself to stay at work instead of leaving and spending the day at the yoga studio. I’ve become a total yoga junkie. I really didn’t think I would come to look forward to it so hard! It’s been the highlight of my day lately, and it’s the only time during my day when I don’t feel horribly sick. I actually completely forget my sore throat and the pressure in my head, and I can feel myself getting stronger and stronger.

Today during my second class, the instructor, Ashley, talked about this beautiful image that really hit home for me, so I want to share it and write it down so that I can come back to it. This is going to have to be paraphrased, but here it is:

You know the feeling when you’re in the ocean and a huge wave crashes over you? It’s tempting to fight it and try to swim through it to the surface, but sometimes it feels like no matter how hard you struggle and swim you can come out to the surface. You start to panic. Finally finally finally you come up out of the water completely exhausted and you have to get out of the water and go recover, because you have salt water up your nose and that’s miserable (that part is my own). But after you’ve gone through that a couple of times, you figure out to relax, and just let the wave carry you. In a few seconds, it’s all over and you come out and breathe.

Life is the same way. When a wave crashes, you can fight it and fight it, but it’s going to rock you and terrify you and you’ll feel like you’re drowning. Or you can relax, and not fight it, but let the wave carry you. Yes, it is going to move you, and you won’t know where you’re going to end up. But you’ll come out faster and painlessly.

There have been waves in my life that I’ve been fighting for months, if not years. I am exhausted and I don’t have any resistance left. It is seriously time for me to trust that if I let the wave take me, I’ll come back up to the surface. I have to stop wasting time. I really want to make it to the surface.

I believe that the universe really know’s what’s up, and is doing everything right. I don’t know what works and what doesn’t better than that great awareness. I think that my whole life I’ve believed that fighting for what you want was the way to go, but maybe what I think I want isn’t what is the best thing. Or maybe I have things to learn before I can get those things. But for now, I am going to focus on relaxing, and letting the waves take me.